Do you remember those big JNCO jeans all the cool kids wore around the turn of the century? Well, those now-grownups are groaning alongside of you this week.
That’s because Nordstrom has announced they’re selling a $425 pair of jeans. Are they flexible? Don’t know. Are they comfortable? Don’t know. Do they have more convenient pockets than a usual type of jeans? Nope. Are they stitched with string made out of gold, silver, or platinum? LOL nope.
— ABC57News (@ABC57News) April 25, 2017
They’re dirty. That’s why they’re $425. You are paying for a basic, plain $25 pair of jeans that some genius decided to plaster with $400 worth of dirt. Or something.
If your head hasn’t exploded yet at the downfall of marketing as we know it, here’s seven other things you can spend $425 on that would, believe it or not, make a whole lot more sense…and maybe save you quite a few cents, too.
1. Property in Detroit
Pick a property, any property. If you have $425 that you’re just dying to free yourself from, and want to invest in the return of a Rust Belt juggernaut, then use it for a down payment on any one of those properties. Or you can roll the dice in an auction, though the buyer should indeed beware.
If you go this route, you won’t be alone. Lately, some gung-ho Detroit residents have been trying to reclaim what has been lost. Some ambitious young adults have started making farms on empty lots, for instance.
Buying a forgotten piece of property in Detroit isn’t for the faint of heart. Compared to a $425 pair of jeans, though, and suddenly Detroit doesn’t look so shabby from afar…
2. A used car on Craigslist
Look at this thing. I mean, just look at it. Four wheels hauling around four doors and an exterior that would cry if cars were capable of such a thing. Consider this, though. For $300 bucks plus the cost of a new battery, you should have enough left over for a full tank of gas and maybe some snacks. And that tank of gas should last you a while, as 2001 Chevy Metros routinely get great gas mileage.
You may have to sacrifice a bit of dignity for this purchase, though not as much dignity as paying $425 for a pair of fake-dirty jeans.
3. Buy multiple NES Classic consoles
Whether you think it’s a smart idea or not, Nintendo announced they’re discontinuing the highly sought-after NES Classic. The writer of this article got one, but only because he obsessively-compulsively monitored in-stock reports.
Darrin Wright of WOWO got one and also lamented on the discontinuing of the console on his podcast: Batteries Not Included.
This means that it’ll be really hard to find these new in stores in the coming months. However, if you do snag one (or a few), the resale market on these things are great. The cheapest second-hand console on Amazon is $273 at the time of posting, and recent eBay sales have been lower or around that price. Until the Super NES Classic comes out, expect short-term values on the second-hand market to be high.
Or buy a pair of jeans that look like you were digging holes like Peach up there.
4. A “budget” tour of North Korea
On second thought, just buy the jeans. Seriously, a North Korea vacation is a really dumb idea, especially nowadays. (If you’re really curious, they do exist, but it’s more like $490 in American dollars.)
4. (take two) Buy a “sweaty” Reebok shirt
— Circa (@Circa) April 27, 2017
This one makes the list just because it’s funny. Reebok gets an “A” for their troll game. And yet, someone out there probably wishes they could wear a “sweaty” $425 Reebok shirt and a “dirty” $425 pair of Nordstrom jeans.
I just hope it’s not you.
5. Tickets to a Stanley Cup Final game
Not only are the NHL playoffs the best playoffs of any sport (in this writer’s opinion), it’s also actually possible to buy a ticket to a Stanley Cup Finals game without having to dip into your child’s college fund. Tickets for last year’s finals between the San Jose Sharks and Pittsburgh Penguins weren’t too insane, and it’s very likely you can snag a ticket for no more than $425.
Or buy a fake-dirty pair of jeans and watch the game at home while your friends wonder when you last took a bath.
6. Book a flight to Miami on United
But consider this. How many United flights fly in and out of South Bend International Airport on a daily basis? Or worldwide for that matter? The odds of a disaster happening on a United flight is still pretty low. Probably not low enough for many to forgive them quite yet, but still low. United can get you on a plane in South Bend, land in Miami, and take you back to South Bend in a few days for $426.
Still not convinced? Me neither, but hey, at the very least, you can brag that you survived a United flight in 2017. That’s worth bragging about, unlike a pair of fake-dirty jeans.
7. Leave it in your wallet
Really, this is the best advice of all. You may need that money for countless things. Dinner. Grocery store items. Bills. Car repairs. Your child’s tuition. Practical clothes for your child. School supplies. Dog food. Cat food. House repairs. Rent. Mortgage. Microtransactions on mobile games. An attorney to sue Google because your kid accidentally racked up $9,000 in microtransactions on Clash of Clans.
You get the idea. You never know when you’ll need a few hundred bucks. Save it for a rainy day. Please, just please, don’t buy a $425 pair of fake-dirty jeans.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go buy a pair of Crocs.